When will I feel my age again? If what I hear from people even older than I am is true, never.

More than six months in, and I still think of 50 as old. I hear someone describe someone, such as “a 50-year-old woman,” and I think, “Oh, an older woman.” Ughhh. I’M a 50-year-old woman. (Though “woman” has never resonated with me, but “50-year-old girl” sounds really weird.)

My hair is greying but it’s still mostly brown. My skin is thinning and sagging slightly, but since I stay out of the sun and haven’t worn makeup since high school, it looks pretty damn good. I don’t look anything like what I think a 50-year-old female person looks like. And yet… here I am.

I think of all those magazine covers with famous women who turned 50 and then still looked amazing (but are probably covered with airbrushing and makeup). And I think, “Oh, when I used to see those, I thought they were entering the twilight of their lives.” Ugh ugh ugh.

I assume at some point my perspective will change, when the tens digit of my age no longer feels foreign, no longer feels like it doesn’t match where I am in life, but that point is not right now. Maybe in a few more years. I still feel like my age should be in the 40s. Whereas mentally and physically (mostly of the time), I still feel like I’m in my 30s (with a few notable exceptions… pardon me while I survive this hot flash at the same time as a back ache, and, wait, was that brain fog?).

I’m not ready for this. I should go read some more May Sarton. She’s a font of wisdom for older women.

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