Old habits die hard. I need to remember to rest.

How easy it is to fall back into old habits.

I’m determined to make this Year of Being 50 be amazing for me, but I can’t just take off of work, cast off all responsibilities. So here I am, doing dishes and laundry as usual, tending to my dad’s estate as best I can, fending off migraines, doing as much work as I can, keeping commitments, and keeping appointments for myself and others.

I’m trying to not fall into the trap of, “Oh, once this is over or completed, then I’ll be able to relax.” Because this kind of thinking is a big trap. There is always something else that rises to the top of priorities that’s important or urgent.

So with most things, I’m trying to just chill. Trying being the operative word.

But I do know that, with my dad’s estate… When that one is gone, it will be a giant relief and I will feel that keenly.

When the responsibility of his estate and finally having the knowledge of what dealing with that would entail descended on me, I was completely and utterly overwhelmed.

It wasn’t because I’m distraught about him being gone. I mean, it isn’t the preferred status, but he did a good job keeping himself at an emotional distance from everyone his whole life, so my life isn’t that much different now that he’s gone.

No, it was the pressure of having to do a task legally, accurately, and correctly, when I had no idea what I was doing. I had people to ask questions of, but they didn’t always know the answers, and I was having to do it from a couple thousand miles away. Thank goodness for the few family/friend people I had local to him and to the state. They have been extremely helpful and most processes are in the works.

But I still worry I’m going to do something wrong, and the time I spend on my dad’s estate takes me away from getting much other work done, or tending to my self-care or passion projects.

So the sooner this one is done, the sooner I will have more flexibility for how to be the radiant self I want to embrace this year.

Once the document arrives allowing me to finally open the @#!*$% estate bank account so I can pay all the bills.

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