So much of the time when I was a kid, so much of the time before I had kids and too many adult responsibilities (evenings and weekends, at least)… I could just not do anything if I didn’t want to. Or, I could do whatever I wanted to do.

These days, sometimes I escape into things, like TV or movies, a good book, sewing or crafting, or even Facebook, but the things on my to-do list don’t disappear while I’m doing that—they just pile up, waiting for me to address them.

I keep reminding myself that my life is of my own design, and it definitely has a lot of advantages. But COVID stripped away some of the things I love about life (like not worrying about getting sick while visiting with friends or traveling), and there is a lot of uncertainty in our near future, so I seem to always feel like I need to fill my time with something. Like, hurry up and get something done, or hurry up and enjoy myself while I still can. Or, most heartbreakingly, hurry up and spend time with local friends because if we move out of state (not yet, but perhaps not too far in the future), it’s entirely possible I won’t ever see them again. I do best when I know what to expect, but there are so many factors at play.

I keep thinking that I should arrange my life different, but I’m not really sure how.

I started this post as one thing and it ended somewhere else, so you can see where my anxieties lie currently. I feel like I keep repeating myself in these posts. Sorry.

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